Puncuated · by · Philosophy

The feeling that is overwhelming me might be fleeting but it's just plain amazing how happy I feel over the culmination of small events and trivial moments. It's past four in the morning and I'm freezing with academic misgivings but all is well. My heart is being back in the right place and my worries are all given much less emphasis in my mind.

I'm calm and settled down and on top of the world again.

I'm going to treasure this last week like no other, find my way back home, and see through whatever lies ahead. This semester has been one of serious trial and growth, but I've come through it having put so many things into perspective.

This life is ridiculous and I'm alright with that.

I am returning home in less than a month and I say I'm conflicted on the manner, but in all honesty I'm not so certain. I'm going to miss friends and events and most likely small circumstances that made this all experience worthwhile, but that is to be expected. Being in a dark, grey, cold, and mostly wet country for this long really does a number on a girl.

I tire of the same old places and faces, but at least I have a few more adventures in store before I head back.

Today I am writing a 9 page paper (single-spaced) due in 2 days time. I probably set myself up but in this moment, I'm more than content. I will find meaning, learn more in-depth about religion, reflect, and challenge myself.

I'm a remarkably lucky girl and it doesn't cease to be a complete and utter wonder that I have such fucking amazing friends, even when starting over in a foreign country.

I might not know what I believe exactly anymore and I haven't felt properly myself in weeks, but it's alright. I'm doing what I can with my lifetime and really it's just a human thing anyhow.

No more emotions or hours seemingly wasted, this is going to be beautiful.

ETA:

This girl finally knows what she wants but isn't sure how to get to that point.

Optimism is still hanging in there for the most part, despite the continual pummeling of spirits.

I keep wondering what I'm doing with my life but then I realize it doesn't really matter at this instance. I miss having a sense of responsibility. Or maybe it's a sense of accomplishment? Hah I don't think I would even know anymore!

There are too many things happening at once at the same time of nothing happening.

Here's looking at you kid.

Have you seen the film Rear Window? It’s an Alfred Hitchcock and stars Jimmy Stewart. In the opening scene, you see Jimmy Stewart’s character looking out his window looking at the apartment building across from his. You can see into everyone else’s windows, everyone doing mundane tasks but everyone doing something quite different. That is what the view from my window reminds me of. Besides the highway, some houses, and a lot of trees, I can see directly into the building across from mine. It’s weird though, everyone I can see happens to be wearing a white shirt, strange.
Anyhow, it’s Saturday here. It’s nearly been a week since I left the U.S. but it feels like so much longer. I’m both excited and nervous for Orientation to start. So far, I know I have my Swedish culture class on Friday morning and I still haven’t been able to get into any of the Psychology courses I applied for.

I’m still generally wondering what I’m doing here but it’s kind of refreshing feeling this utterly out of my element. This city is like any other city, my apartment building reminds me of the suburbs with its location, and I’m homesick.

Never thought that would happen, but I’m sure there are plenty more things to surprise me with the rest of this semester.

I've been home for less than a week but as the weeks before, it has been an activity packed number of days. My health is more or less back to where I started and I have two weeks left of work. I've been consecutively told that I look tired/exhausted/etc. which is probably true, but I'm way too happy to care. I've finally done something solely for myself that I've wanted for a lengthy period of time and though I should be phased, am so completely content.

I've seen and been able to hang out with the just about all of my best friends, cheesy but wholly true. The details hold perfection and I just hope this lasts, or that I don't screw it up.

Not to mention, I will be in the same time zone for more than a week. That in itself made me immensely happy, but after this week, it's ecstasy.

This summer, it's love.

This girl is heading to Austria tomorrow and though I am amidst the hustle of packing, the fact of the matter is that this notion has yet to be recognized.

I'm off work for the week. And it baffles me how quickly the summer has gone due to it.

It's strange the world I'm become a part of this summer. Within my own experiences, I tend to feel less than par and quite inadequate in comparison to the travels, experiences, education, etc. of those around me. It isn't at all a bad thing, I love the fact that I can admire and respect my office. My norms for other people have changed and I like that I am surely the youngest in the office and that everyone assumes me to be at least five years older.

The details for my study abroad-ing have trickled in and the excitement is quickly turning to nervousness, but I know I can handle it in the end.

I'm ridiculous, despite how lucky I am to get to experience being and living abroad, my mind seems stuck on my return. The period between working & Sweden, the return back from Sweden. I really do have a lot of "the romanticism of youth" I've been lectured about consistently. Which is another point of people not realizing my age, I kind of love that.

I write a lot about nothing.

ETA: What is wrong with this week or are we on some massive downward spiral. Far too many deaths this week. Far too many people I wish I could be there for and too many strangers that I wish I could give my empathy to.

I am managing to be really quite terrible at life right now.

I'm slowly becoming a bit of a fuckup in my endeavors and it's a bit of a downer. I'm not sure if it's a lack of motivation or actual desire but I think lying low is a good idea. Also, I somehow become some sort of rebellious child, not in actuality, but that's what I've supposedly become. Right.

Despite all this, I have elevated myself to young professional status working full-time in the District (and will be for the entirety of the summer minus traveling), not to mention rather close to the upcoming Real World house. Today, I accidentally witnessed a protest during my lunch break and am a commuter from suburbia. For the most part, I do actually love my job (receptionist/administrative assistant) and I adore the majority of the people I work with. The other few, however, are extremely passive-aggressive which is driving me absolutely mad. Yet, since I have hardly any freedom at home, lunch breaks equal my time to wander around the neighborhoods. I'm not sure if this is a good hobby, but I manage to keep myself entertained.

Other news: My visa was approved & my plan ticket to Sweden will be purchased in the next few days. I also am going to be a tourist in Austria in July, and visiting the West Coast for a bit.

Finally, when I'm not working, I've been filling my nights with books (Paulo Coelho), music (playlists, Sebastien Tellier's "Sexuality," God Help the Girl, Kings of Leon's "Only by the Night," etc.).

I need a new direction or something to fill my thoughts with. I'm getting restless and it's unbecoming.

I have been quite an imbecile for too long. I can acknowledge the fact that I tried to avoid catastrophe and the impossibility factor of a lot of the opportunities this past year, yet I wonder if it was that or my own fear. Hopefully more of the prior than the latter but that's humanity for you. Then again, the mistakes I have made may prove that true.

My inhibitions, tolerance, and pain threshold have most certainly increased this past year. These past few weekends have been amazing, endless, and I never expected so much. I'm attempting to not spend the summer sulking and getting over the fact that it may be over a year before I see a few of my favorite people but I can't seem to help myself. It is truly the end of an era or some sort of chapter in my life and I can only imagine how I'll be by the time I graduate from university. Hopefully by this time next week, I will be in summertime mode and stop this madness and emotion wasting.

I'm unpacking, planning out my summer (books, travels, plans of action), and taking chances. Not to mention trying to wrap my mind on how to transition on being back home.

Though I try to live without regrets, I most certainly have at least one for sure.